What led to this mindblowing experience was a deep curiosity to what kind of insights, visions, or answers I would be getting from drinking this plant medicine. After having been introduced to it many years ago in conversations, I knew at one point – when the time was right – I would join a ceremony.
This moment happened here in Bali when I heard a friend of a friend talking about it. Immediately I felt this was the ceremony for me. I was fully ready mindset wise, and I came to Bali with a clear purpose to get to know myself on a deeper level. Could there be a more divine timing? I think not, as the ceremony also took place in one of my last weeks. After having so many insights already that came by trial-and-error and convo’s while facing the mirror – sometimes in real life, sometimes figuratively – it was the right time for some deep inner work.
I’m skipping the part where I zoom in on how beautiful this ceremony was, and how respectful the shamans organized all of this and hold space for us. It was incredible. I can only advert to do it with experienced shamans, or don’t do it at all. This stuff is not child’s play, nor a drug to test for fun. You’re digging into your soul, opening up doors to stuff you might not even know is there. Be prepared for that. And most of all prepare your mind.
The first three hours of my experience I felt nothing. It was just me struggling to not fall asleep as I got extremely tired. And when you know me, you know I can fall asleep instantly and also at oncommon places, so this was a battle for me. I was actually thinking I would be that 1% of the people that would just not get anything out of this. It kinda frustrated me. After all, I came to fight my demons! So where are they?
I told the shaman about my lack of feeling anything and he gave me a second shot (which is very normal in ceremonies, usually u take 2 or even 3 shots), and right after that I knew something began to change. I made my way over to the bathroom out of safety reasons, and just let the experience wash over me. After a short time, it was happening. I was fully aware of things that were shifting, and in a split second it opened up a world that comes close to how Pocahontas lived, but then the movie was in 3D. I saw the whole world change into bright colors, wild nature and objects i have never seen. Nature came to life, got voices and I felt an urgent need to take really good care of my body.
This seems like a fun world to see, but it made me terrified. I was still sitting on the toilet, so this world was way too big for the space I was in. It was all too much for me. The world was just too bright for me to handle, and it felt like I was stuck in a computer game where mainly the trees had so many stories to tell. My mind was doing her best to process it all, and make something out of this, but it failed hard. 15 minutes after the start I cried for help to the shamans.
I ran outside, I cried for help and I was not even embarrased about it. It was out of a deep necessity, cause the main words I constantly heard in my head were ‘I can’t do this on my own’. I knew that whatever was going on, I could just not comprehend or fight on my own. It felt like I was dying and I needed help. Thoughts of ‘What the hell did you put inside of your body?’ and seeing my parents cry for my death were so real, I cannot think of a more worse feeling than that.
It didn’t really help that when the shaman woman came to me, her face turned into an indigenous woman. She was so beautiful, with so many details and stories in her face. The whole situation was beautiful, but my fear took over. I wanted to fucking scream, but the only thing manageable for me was doing a stare down with the shaman woman. Just to see my own hands and hair turn into an indigenous woman as well. I literally became our ancestors, which made me feel connected and even more terrified at the same time. What was I seeing? And does everyone else see this too?
The shaman assured me that whatever I was seeing was normal, and that I shouldn’t be afraid of it, but talk to them. As much as I would like to have reacted differently, cause I would love to have had a conversation with them, the only thing I could do was run to the tree. It felt like the only place that could calm me down, and so I ran outside and let myself fall to the tree. I think I struggled there for about 2 hours. Or it might have felt like that, I don’t know exactly. I just know that I would give anything to feel normal again. I was longing for conversations with people, laughter, holding hands, literally all the things humans can do to support each other. The shaman assured me that this was normal. I just never have experienced this realness before.
It was at the darkest moments of all – when the beautiful green tree started turning black – I heard a soothing voice telling me to ‘Just breathe’. Instantly I knew this voice was Mother Ayahuasca. The shamans told us at the start of the ceremony that Mother Ayahuasca is a female energy, and speaks with a motherly, calming voice. So I knew it was her, and it calmed me down immediately. I started breathing deeply, as I hear the voice say ‘See Felicia, you just forgot how to breathe for a second.’
Instantly i felt a bit better, so I asked the voice to stay with me. I didn’t want to fall into the black hole again, I wanted to live! But as she started to fade away again, I got so stressed. The shaman woman walked away from me leaving me with the words ‘You can do this on your own Felicia’ on which I assured her that ‘I really can’t do this on my own!!’. And she asked the guy next to me who was so sweet in trying to calm me down (even when having his own experience), to return to the shala. I begged him to stay, cause I was dying! But they walked away. She left with the words ‘Trust your body and pray for what it is that you want, Felicia. Just pray. Do you know how to pray?’ Well… yes, I grew up Catholic, and I went to church in my younger years, but did I learn to actually pray for whatever it is I truly, deeply feel in the core of myself? Did I learn how to pray for my life? Not really. And at this moment I was having a hard time breathing, so I just screamed.
I screamed the words ‘I SURRENDER’ and ‘I WANT TO LIVE’ to the tree so loud, the morning after I noticed everyone in our ceremony heard me. Oops. Was it dramatic? Yes. Did I make the shaman giggle because my fear of life itself? Yes. But to me it wasn’t funny at all. The feeling of death ate me and I was just about ready to die, or let a miracle come in to get me out of this fucking mess, cause like I told you before – I couldn’t do it on my own.
There I was… feeling alone, and left to the wolves. As I felt this was the end of it all, I got a bit more calm. Surrendering, and not fighting my mind that was unable to process what was going on. I decided to do just that what the voice said to me, as a last chance. I started breathing. Deep, deep breathing, as I felt the oxygen go to my feet and come back to my head. It was the most intense breathing I ever did. Soon after I felt better, I could open up my eyes and start to see a bit more normal again. This feeling of relief was so intens, words fail to describe. I honestly felt I was getting a second chance to life. I thanked Mother Ayahuasca from within, knowing that she guided me through this and gave me strenght.
The shaman came back to me and told me it was time for my healing. ‘Let’s go inside, we’re going to cleanse you and pray for you’. That sounded so comforting, I wanted to undergo nothing else than that. As we approached the shala (where the ceremony took place) I heard music that the other shaman was making. Beautiful sounds, that I remember hearing before but I couldn’t place it. I started feeling happy. I screamed that I remember this song, as if it was something I’ve heard on the radio, and I started dancing when entering the shala. It made me feel at home. I threw my hands up in the air, feeling so, so grateful for life and that I was back again. I was back home.
There were three women sitting next to me as I got my cleansing. Again… nothing like I’ve experienced ever before. I heard voices talking to me, saying words (I’ll keep them private for now) that made me empowered and looked after at the same time. Reminding me of my purpose here on this earth, I just can’t describe otherwise. It was homecoming. Homecoming in my body, in my mind, to my life, and with a deep appreciation to this all I allowed myself to rest on my matras afterwards and watch the ceremony go on from the most comforting place ever. I was alive and breathing. I was so proud of myself.
This might seem like a bad trip to someone, and I have to say I haven’t experienced this as ‘fun’. It was beyond terrifying. But it also left me with a deep deep appreciation to what my body is capable of, and being so happy to be in my body again. For someone who has struggled with an eating disorder in her younger years, and living with an unhealthy self image for years now, this feeling was a big deal. I feel like I’ve taken for granted what my body was doing all of these years, and never even give it the respect and love it deserves.
The feeling that I have right now is the total opposite of what I’ve felt before. Someone else might not even see the slightest difference in me, but from the inside… There’s this feeling of completeness, happiness and deep appreciation for my body. I did not even know I needed this feeling, but luckily Mother Ayahuasca knew better.
We closed the ceremony the day after with a healing breakfast, and a sharing circle. I was just floathing on a cloud of happiness, feeling so happy and healthy. As we all got the chance to share what we’ve experienced I remember saying the words ‘I’m so grateful for my life. I feel loved and being able to love at the same time. And also, what I’ve seen yesterday made me even more curious to life and all there is we cannot even witness with just our eyes. Maybe, the next time, I even get the chance to really talk to the indigenous women I saw, and the trees that had so many stories to tell. Wouldn’t that be wonderful.’
